I know myself, I know what's going on. But it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable: I've got a case of the "lonlies" again.
This weekend was great--drove down to Blacksburg, rode around the town on my bike, hung out with my friends, watched the Hokies beat the Hokies through sleepy eyes, ate too much...the works.
And now it's over. And I picked up on several subtle things this weekend--new developments in relationships, [good] sides of people I've never really seen before, and...how much I haven't changed. I'm still as immature as ever, incapable of really showing any emotion or empathy, incapable of really letting loose and having a good time. Why is that?
Fear. I fear the let-down afterward--I know that, in the morning, it's all over and I go back to being alone.
It doesn't help, either, that everything I watch, everything I listen to seems to emphasize the benefits of being with someone. Every love song, every break-up song, every movie and TV-show and book that I read--everything reminds me how alone I am. Dan's "good morning" kiss on Lindsey's sleepy lips, Utena's night with Akio, Bruce's wife's insistence on not tracking mud in the house...
And nothing left for Kent. No one to spend the night with, no one to kiss in the morning, no one to nag about tracking mud. Nothing but my guns and my bikes and my work.
I know that in a week I'll get over this, that something will happen soon that will snap me back to my happy-go-lucky self, but for now things are going to be depressing...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The Run-Around
Thursday: get to work early; get to the range early; didn't clean my guns, because I had to prep for an interview
Friday: get up early; get dressed nicely for the interview; go to work early and play off my dress-up as "I haven't done it in a while" and "I have a date with a gun show"; leave work early and make it to the interview just-in-time; do the interview (which I thought was OK, but I was unintelligible as always); go to the gun show for an hour; drive my brother back to his car; go to dinner; get home with the intention of prepping my bike (but watched Good Morning, Vietnam instead); prep my bike until 2AM
Saturday: get up at 6:30; get showered, dressed, fed, and out the door in record time; drive up to Poolesville (1-hour drive, any way you cut it); do the ride; drive home (and get stuck in accident-traffic); get out to the gun show to make my 3-day pass worth the discounted $13 I paid for it; get home with a new hard-sided equipment case and some tools; get to the soccer game two minutes before start with no time to prep or even stretch; done with the soccer game and head over to one of the players' house because it's right by my own house; get home and shower and get to sleep.
Sunday: get up early; get out to the trail to ride; get home and get dressed; get up to Potomac Falls for a friend's wedding; head back to the gun show 4 hours later and discover that the 'ears' and the gun safe I wanted are gone; go back home with more tools and another equipment hard-case; go to dinner at my parents' house; go back home to record a thing for my sister; take her back home; head home to sleep, finally.
Monday: get up early; get to work early, only to discover that I'd forgotten my key/card and have to drive all the way back to get it and be 1.5 hours later than I intended at work; stay at work while everyone else goes out to celebrate a new director's hiring (yay...pep-talk and food...and almost 1.5 hours of lost productivity and getting fat on restaurant food--no thanks); get off work nearly an hour later than I planned; get to the range with only 15 minutes to cram as much 'practice' in to make up for not getting any quality practice in over the weekend; shoot my worst score in a month (didn't even break 500); get home for dinner; clean the gun; clean the bikes for tomorrow's ride.
An active lifestyle is good and all, but sometimes there's too active, when there's hardly time for anything else (and hardly time to post this, even). I need to clean my car and change the oil (I prefer to do both by myself), but this weekend I'm going down to BBurg--there goes my bullseye and cycling training. Maybe I can find a range down there and bring my guns...and I'm definitely bringing my bike, though since it'll be more like buddy-riding than training riding, it won't really help me all that much in training for Tahoe...
If driving to and from work didn't take up so much damned time--nearly a whole hour on the drive in, and almost that on the drive out...I could have a bit more time to space things out. Right now everything's running on very tight tolerances--not much wiggle room in timing. And just one little thing (like forgetting my key/card) will blow the rest of the things out of the water...
Friday: get up early; get dressed nicely for the interview; go to work early and play off my dress-up as "I haven't done it in a while" and "I have a date with a gun show"; leave work early and make it to the interview just-in-time; do the interview (which I thought was OK, but I was unintelligible as always); go to the gun show for an hour; drive my brother back to his car; go to dinner; get home with the intention of prepping my bike (but watched Good Morning, Vietnam instead); prep my bike until 2AM
Saturday: get up at 6:30; get showered, dressed, fed, and out the door in record time; drive up to Poolesville (1-hour drive, any way you cut it); do the ride; drive home (and get stuck in accident-traffic); get out to the gun show to make my 3-day pass worth the discounted $13 I paid for it; get home with a new hard-sided equipment case and some tools; get to the soccer game two minutes before start with no time to prep or even stretch; done with the soccer game and head over to one of the players' house because it's right by my own house; get home and shower and get to sleep.
Sunday: get up early; get out to the trail to ride; get home and get dressed; get up to Potomac Falls for a friend's wedding; head back to the gun show 4 hours later and discover that the 'ears' and the gun safe I wanted are gone; go back home with more tools and another equipment hard-case; go to dinner at my parents' house; go back home to record a thing for my sister; take her back home; head home to sleep, finally.
Monday: get up early; get to work early, only to discover that I'd forgotten my key/card and have to drive all the way back to get it and be 1.5 hours later than I intended at work; stay at work while everyone else goes out to celebrate a new director's hiring (yay...pep-talk and food...and almost 1.5 hours of lost productivity and getting fat on restaurant food--no thanks); get off work nearly an hour later than I planned; get to the range with only 15 minutes to cram as much 'practice' in to make up for not getting any quality practice in over the weekend; shoot my worst score in a month (didn't even break 500); get home for dinner; clean the gun; clean the bikes for tomorrow's ride.
An active lifestyle is good and all, but sometimes there's too active, when there's hardly time for anything else (and hardly time to post this, even). I need to clean my car and change the oil (I prefer to do both by myself), but this weekend I'm going down to BBurg--there goes my bullseye and cycling training. Maybe I can find a range down there and bring my guns...and I'm definitely bringing my bike, though since it'll be more like buddy-riding than training riding, it won't really help me all that much in training for Tahoe...
If driving to and from work didn't take up so much damned time--nearly a whole hour on the drive in, and almost that on the drive out...I could have a bit more time to space things out. Right now everything's running on very tight tolerances--not much wiggle room in timing. And just one little thing (like forgetting my key/card) will blow the rest of the things out of the water...
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