Lone Wolf

I know myself, I know what's going on. But it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable: I've got a case of the "lonlies" again.

This weekend was great--drove down to Blacksburg, rode around the town on my bike, hung out with my friends, watched the Hokies beat the Hokies through sleepy eyes, ate too much...the works.

And now it's over. And I picked up on several subtle things this weekend--new developments in relationships, [good] sides of people I've never really seen before, and...how much I haven't changed. I'm still as immature as ever, incapable of really showing any emotion or empathy, incapable of really letting loose and having a good time. Why is that?

Fear. I fear the let-down afterward--I know that, in the morning, it's all over and I go back to being alone.

It doesn't help, either, that everything I watch, everything I listen to seems to emphasize the benefits of being with someone. Every love song, every break-up song, every movie and TV-show and book that I read--everything reminds me how alone I am. Dan's "good morning" kiss on Lindsey's sleepy lips, Utena's night with Akio, Bruce's wife's insistence on not tracking mud in the house...

And nothing left for Kent. No one to spend the night with, no one to kiss in the morning, no one to nag about tracking mud. Nothing but my guns and my bikes and my work.

I know that in a week I'll get over this, that something will happen soon that will snap me back to my happy-go-lucky self, but for now things are going to be depressing...